Heard any good ones lately?

Thanks to Cherie and Lungman, who both sent me this! It's hilarious!

ACCIDENT IN TEXAS: YOU HAVE TO LISTEN!

It's a phone call from a man in Texas who witnessed a car accident involving 4 elderly women.
It was so popular when they played it on CHUM FM that they had to put it on their site.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

This is so funny and his laugh is contagious! Close your eyes and just picture what he is watching...
it's even better than a video clip!!!

Turn your speakers up, this is too Funny!!
http://www.image4u.org/disneydream03...ticon_lmao.gif
Gus

Thats just to funny!!!.....LOLOLOL

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack
everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods
[img]graemlins/girl.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img] [img]wink.gif[/img]
Gus

Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result.:

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well

Moving to Vancouver, British Columbia as a political refugee, Cheech Marin met Tommy Chong who owned a topless club. Cheech worked there for nine months, combining music and improvisational comedy. Eventually, Cheech and Chong teamed up and moved back to Los Angeles. They performed their stand-up/music act at clubs all over Los Angeles until they were discovered at the Troubadour by music industry magnate Lou Adler. ?The rest,? Cheech says, ?is history??

And now, history continues to be written - the duo teams up again after a 25 year hiatus - as they embark on their ?Light Up America and Canada? Tour.
________________________________________
I would so love to see their show. They'll be in Phoenix in November, so maybe!!!'
Hey Gregg, they'll be in Michigan this weekend!

Check the tour dates here folks!
http://www.myspace.com/cheechandchong

Wow! Can you believe they are back together?!?!
[img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
Gus

Subject: New Wine

--- I kid you not...

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as?

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

[img]graemlins/martini.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/smarty.gif[/img]

Quote:

---

Originally posted by BrownThrasher:
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

---

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I resemble that remark!
Fill'er up Browny! [img]graemlins/martini.gif[/img]
http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/h...c/olsparky.jpg
Ol Sparky

Sometimes...

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...

when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress

Sometimes.

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile ..
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But http://www.hostboard.com/ubb/smilies/alphabet/f.gifhttp://www.hostboard.com/ubb/smilies/alphabet/a.gifhttp://www.hostboard.com/ubb/smilies/alphabet/r.gifhttp://www.hostboard.com/ubb/smilies/alphabet/t.gif just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories, didn't ya?!?!

ROFLMAO
http://i256.photobucket.com/albums/h...c/olsparky.jpg

Dream Job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y19.../th_hahaha.gif
Gus

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send an e-mail to his wife back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error...

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following his heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.

P.S. Sure is hot down here...